Gastroscopy

Do you know what an endoscope does? Well, you can stick one up your arse if you like, or you can stick it down your throat. Be sure that they remember to wash the last user's shit off it first though. On the 17th October 2001 I had the dubious pleasure of swallowing a large piece of medical equipment without the aid of drugs or anaesthesia. It's somewhat uncomfortable. I asked if I could watch it on telly. "Better than that" said the bloke in charge, "we can take a few pictures as well". Cool!

For those who don't know, the duodenum is the next bit after your stomach, along the passage to your arsehole, The duodenum is the home of the duodenal ulcer, hence the name. This was something they were looking for whilst rooting around my digestive tract. I had one when I was young, but with some lovely treatment for Helicobacter Pylori, off it went. "Nice healthy duodenum there, Mr. Moose".

This is my stomach, as you would see it if you were lying at the bottom, trying to look up my oesophagus. As you can see, I've swallowed a big black snake. The foamy stuff is the water they spray around to clean off the walls of the stomach, so it's just as well I skipped lunch that day. At the end of the experience they had found bugger all wrong, and put it down to reflux oesophagitis. My only comfort was the most satisfying burp of my life when I sat up afterwards.

As luck would have it, I required a repeat performance of this wonderful procedure on my 40th birthday. Luckily I was able to put it off until the 2nd January 2008, where once again, I was revealed to be entirely asymptomatic. Despite being the first patient of the day, and therefore managing to sneak in around breakfast time, I have to say that it was far more unpleasant second time around...must be getting old or something.